Eight Phrases to Help Your Relationship Thrive – Despite Arguments

When I saw this headline in the New York Times, I eagerly scanned for the phrases my husband and I use to cool our arguments. I was sorry not to see any of them except “Thank you.” But even that one simple phrase has helped us resolve our disagreements a lot sooner than we used to. 

Times writer Catherine Pearson opens with some phrases that are better left unsaid. “When my husband and I argue,” she writes, “all he has to do to drive me bonkers is tell me to ‘calm down.’ Deploying those words is akin to pouring oil on fire, therapists say. Meanwhile, my bad habit is defaulting to phrases like ‘you always’ – another no-no.”

Key phrases for relationship arguments

In search of ways to calm things down, Pearson asked couples therapists to share “magic words that can strengthen bonds, even in the middle of a disagreement.” Here are some of their suggestions:

“You start.” In the heat of an argument, people often talk over each other, desperate to get their grievances out. John Cordova, a psychology professor and author of The Mindful Path to Intimacy, describes it as “like two fire hoses pointed at each other.” Saying “You start” can “flip that script,” he told the Times, and communicate that you really do want to understand your partner’s perspective.

“Can we slow down?” Things can get overheated fast, and a simple suggestion like this can tamp down negativity and defensiveness. Since it involves both of you, it’s much better than saying “calm down,” which one expert warns can be “emotionally dismissive.”

“I see the impact it had on you.” Often we can spend a lot of time defending our intentions, as in “I didn’t mean for that to hurt you.” If we want to make amends, we need to begin by acknowledging the other person’s feelings – whether or not we meant to hurt them. 

“Would that be ok?”  A quick check-in (for example, before broaching a difficult subject) can make your partner less defensive – asking for permission communicates that you’re coming to the conversation with kindness.

The subtext of most of the list is conveying that you care about your partner’s needs and feelings during relationship arguments – either by showing that you want to know more, or that you’re willing to make an effort for them. Other useful phrases include “What do you feel that I’m not getting about your experience?” “What does the relationship need from us right now?” and “Let me try that again,” which is especially useful if you feel you’ve messed up and want to make it right. Experts say happy couples are good at “repair attempts” like these.

The list ends with “Thank you,” the one phrase from this powerful list that my husband and I know well, although we now plan to try out some of the others. And one can hardly say those two words enough, since relationships are built on gratitude, according to psychotherapist Terri Cole. Expressing thanks sends a crucial message, she says: “You are appreciated.”

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