Co-Regulation: A Vital Skill in the Parenting Toolkit

When my kid gears up for a meltdown, my impulse is to become a puddle right alongside her. On more than one occasion, my daughter has done her best to be her best amidst a litany of frustrations at school, holding the tension right up until she enters the car and shuts the door – only to let the band snap directly at me. And sometimes, just like the writer of this essay in Parents, I’ve yelled right back at her.

I know I’m not alone. You’ve been there too – it’s the easy response, and the one that hurts us both the most. But while we can become dysregulated with our children in such heightened moments of overstimulation, exhaustion, or upset, we parents also have the opportunity to set a new tone – to co-regulate healthier emotional responses with them.

Co-regulation means meeting our kids’ distress with grace – a process of helping children calm down when “the logical part of their brains may be completely offline.” Instead of reacting or escalating during a meltdown, co-regulation requires parents to tap into empathy; to connect and support. And you’ve probably done it without knowing the term – we do it readily when our children are babies, quickly scooping up a crying infant and embodying calm, soothing them until they’re calm with us. “The caregiver is able to go to them, recognize their distress, and [do] their best to meet their need, enabl[ing] the child to return to regulation.” explains Katie Fries, a licensed clinical social worker and registered play therapist. “And when this process happens over and over again, the child is able to internalize an implicit belief that their distress will be responded to and their needs will be met.”

The thing is, co-regulation doesn’t stop being useful when our children have started using words. It’s useful throughout childhood, even for older kids. An understanding foundation shapes how children learn to manage emotions later in life. The good news for spirited parents like me is that you don’t even have to be perfectly calm to do it.

The crux of co-regulation is emotional connection, which could sound like a parent saying, firmly, “You are so mad about that!” during a tantrum, says Christine M. Valentín, also a licensed clinical social worker and registered play therapist. The message matches the energy of the moment but pushes back against the dysregulation, unlike matching both with “Stop yelling!” or matching neither with fake calm, Valentín notes. The point is to preserve the trusting relationship you have with your child. Acknowledging their feelings, even in an elevated tone, reminds them that you see them and care about their needs. Other times, especially for older kids, just sitting quietly with them wherever they are is enough to remind them you’re physically and emotionally there.

Remember, co-regulation doesn’t mean pretending you don’t also feel upset. It means modeling self-regulation, even outside of those high-stress moments. Let your children see you play with a fidget toy to soothe anxiety. Let them witness you taking calming breaths. Introduce them to the stuffy you squeeze when you feel overwhelmed. Remember that they see how you handle your own low points – if you meet a tough day with late-night doomscrolling, or instead go out for a quick walk to clear your head, they’ll notice. Being open teaches kids that everyone, grownups included, feels overwhelmed sometimes, and gives us a chance to show them that there are healthy ways to return to center. Over time, your positive example will help them grow into emotionally regulating themselves.