Is Longevity Prompting More Divorce in ‘Empty Shell’ Marriages?

But first, I’m sharing this warm memory from actress, singer and reproductive justice activist Tatyana Ali about one of her very first on-screen roles. These days, in addition to her recurring role on Abbott Elementary, Ali is founder of Baby Yams, a baby quilt line designed to empower Black and Indigenous birth workers as they take on the sacred and serious work of guiding women into motherhood. Born from a desire to heal her own traumatic first birthing experience, 10% of net profits from Baby Yams quilts are donated to organizations and educational institutions committed to Black and Indigenous maternal health.

Longevity is impacting how we divorce

As our general life expectancy has risen, so have “gray divorces.” Faced with the very real prospect of another 20 to 40 birthdays from age 60, a growing number of couples who have shared three decades or more are opting out of doing any more life together. Split-ups among those 50 and older in the United States, in fact, have doubled between 1990 and 2010, according to the New York Times. 

Nothing especially dramatic happens in many cases, either. As 67-year-old Alan Hickenbottom told the Times, he and his wife divorced in 2021 after 30+ years together, but it was simply because, after their kids had gone and work slowed down, they realized they “were more like colleagues and roommates than romantic partners.” Seeing the life they built a success, both determined it was better to close the chapter than to stay in what had become an empty shell.

Hickenbottom’s experience reflects a growing trend. While rates of divorce have fallen across age groups in recent years, people aged 50 and up account for nearly 40% of those currently ending their marriages. In generations past, people often stayed together for the sake of their kids, financial stability or out of fear of stigma Today, folks have become less willing to stay in relationships lacking connection, vitality or consistent satisfaction said Susan Brown, a professor of sociology at Bowling Green State University and co-director of the National Center for Family and Marriage Research. 

Life is short but still too long for that, explained Justin Garcia, executive director of the Kinsey Institute and author of The Intimate Animal: The Science of Sex, Fidelity, and Why We Live and Die for Love. “We as a species are in longer relationships than our ancestors ever were,” he said. Meanwhile, actor William Daniels, who plays Mr. Feeny in “Boy Meets World,” has been married for 75 years. “That is evolutionarily unprecedented for our species,” Garcia said.

For many women, the arrival of peri- and post-menopause changes them and what they were once willing to withstand. Ruchi, 58, who asked that only her first name be used, said the impetus for her divorce came when her husband of 20 years forgot her birthday. She felt reduced to her function as the operating center of the household. “You’ve put all these things aside because you’re a mom and you’re taking care of a family,” she said, noting that she also worked and was the default parent to their teenage children. “Then you think: Is that all I am good for? When did I stop being a person?” 

Along with a loss of estrogen, menopause reduces women’s tolerance, said Rebecca Thurston, associate dean for women’s health research at the University of Pittsburgh School of Medicine. She’s lost count of how many women have told her: “I want to get in the car and drive; I just want to leave it all behind.” Some don’t even bother with the frustration and pain of divorce. They agree to permanently separate instead, making informal yet firm arrangements for one another’s ongoing financial care while living apart. 

While entered into with eyes wide open, the path of late-in-life divorce isn’t without real difficulty. Research shows that older adults face steeper economic and psychological costs after divorce than younger couples, who tend to recover within a year or two. Men are also more likely to marry again, in part because women live longer, but also because more women are wholly uninterested in marriage again. 

Gale Emigh, who decoupled earlier this year at age 73, said she’s open to dating, but is fulfilled through her other bonds, especially her friendships with other women. Ruchi agrees, saying she doesn’t need a partner to feel complete — she’s got herself back. “I am a strong person. I am a capable person. My family is very, very, very important to me, but I am more than my kids and my husband. I think I kind of forgot that.”

Parents and quiet cracking

“Quiet cracking” started as workplace language to describe struggling employees who, despite feeling burned out and disengaged from their jobs, chose to stay put. But Sarah Stuteville, a therapist and mother to young kids, sees the same pattern in parenting. There’s no clean off switch for the labor of child-rearing like there is for work, she says in Parents. That constant overload doesn’t just exhaust moms and dads, it also robs them of connection to the experience of parenting itself, pushing many into survival mode and away from the reasons they chose parenthood at all. (This may be especially true in the United States, where the long, paid maternity leaves, child care subsidies and other benefits offered in many European countries are typically non-existent.)

Pressure is especially high for mothers, who are typically saddled with both the tangible and emotional labor of the entire household, and single parents, who often have no one with whom to split the load when they’re running on fumes. Chronic stress and sleep deprivation wear down whatever reserves parents have at the start, especially when there’s no backup and no time to recover. “Human beings cannot exist for very long without strong attachment to meaning,” Stuteville says. “We need human connection, and we need meaning in the work and labor we do. Those are what we need to feel satisfied, motivated, and content.” She recommends letting go of the tendency to perform perfection and suggests opting into connection over productivity instead — especially in parenting and relationships.

“Do a real audit of your professional life and obligations and say, ‘Here are some areas where I can phone it in,'” Stuteville says. That might mean turning down another PTA assignment or buying cupcakes for the bake sale instead of baking them yourself. “Cultures of perfectionism tell us that if we’re not giving more than we actually can in every moment, we’re failing. I completely disagree. You’re allowed to be mediocre, especially in places you don’t care about. Then, in places you do care about — like with your kids — that’s where you put your time and energy.”