Smitten: When an unrequited crush becomes an unhealthy obsession 

Limerence, a term coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, describes the all-consuming state of romantic obsession many of us experience from time to time, characterized by intense emotional highs and lows.

To this layperson, it’s a fancy word for “super supreme crushing.” 

“Limerence is a state that many of us go into in the early stages of love: a profound romantic infatuation with another person,” neuroscientist Tom Bellamy told NPR’s Life Kit. “They give you an extraordinary natural high, so you feel a powerful desire to bond with that person.” But unlike a crush that, nurtured by both parties, organically blossoms, (or, unrequited, sputters out like the flame on my old oven broiler), one-sided limerence that goes on too long “can shift from happiness and euphoria into anxiety and craving,” Bellamy says, and might need a little help to fade away.

He knows the experience personally.

Ten years ago, Bellamy developed limerence for a colleague, despite being happily married. “When that happened, I obviously had a bit of a problem to solve,” he says. “So that was when I started investigating it. Because of my background as a neuroscientist, my first thought was, what’s going on in the brain? How can I make sense of this experience?” His anonymous musings grew into an online community where people shared their experiences. The group became a massive repository of data, helping him learn that limerence often manifests as intrusive thoughts, heartache during uncertainty, and a tendency to idealize the other person.

According to Bellamy, limerence is not always harmful. In fact, it can lead to a wonderful experience of love, if feelings are mutual, and the pair is capable of forming a healthy bond. But when the object of limerence is unavailable, incompatible or unreliable, the brain’s reward wires get all crossed in tangles of uncertainty and mixed signals, creating an addictive cycle of craving and anxiety. That’s sometimes why people become fixated on those who give them inconsistent attention. Whatever little interactions they do get reignite the intoxication that accompanies limerence – but that obsession is, ultimately, destabilizing.

Breaking free from limerence is definitely possible, but takes considerable effort. You have to work to disrupt the patterns. “The mindset shift is to realize: ‘This is happening in my head. So that’s where I need to fix it,’” Bellamy says. On the practical side, try to keep them out of your life, and try not to indulge in fantasy thinking. Replacing the urge to focus on them with new goals can help you recognize limerence as a mental process rather than an inevitable fate, returning agency into your hands – and placing you back on track toward less obsessive, more fulfilling, mutual relationships. (You can read more about limerence in Bellamy’s book, Smitten, which was published in 2024 by St. Martin’s Press.)