Parents and Quiet Cracking

“Quiet cracking” started as workplace language to describe struggling employees who, despite feeling burned out and disengaged from their jobs, chose to stay put. But Sarah Stuteville, a therapist and mother to young kids, sees the same pattern in parenting.

There’s no clean off switch for the labor of child-rearing like there is for work, she says in Parents. That constant overload doesn’t just exhaust moms and dads, it also robs them of connection to the experience of parenting itself, pushing many into survival mode and away from the reasons they chose parenthood at all. (This may be especially true in the United States, where the long, paid maternity leaves, child care subsidies and other benefits offered in many European countries are typically non-existent.)

Pressure is especially high for mothers, who are typically saddled with both the tangible and emotional labor of the entire household, and single parents, who often have no one with whom to split the load when they’re running on fumes. Chronic stress and sleep deprivation wear down whatever reserves parents have at the start, especially when there’s no backup and no time to recover. “Human beings cannot exist for very long without strong attachment to meaning,” Stuteville says. “We need human connection, and we need meaning in the work and labor we do. Those are what we need to feel satisfied, motivated, and content.” She recommends letting go of the tendency to perform perfection and suggests opting into connection over productivity instead — especially in parenting and relationships.

“Do a real audit of your professional life and obligations and say, ‘Here are some areas where I can phone it in,'” Stuteville says. That might mean turning down another PTA assignment or buying cupcakes for the bake sale instead of baking them yourself.

“Cultures of perfectionism tell us that if we’re not giving more than we actually can in every moment, we’re failing. I completely disagree. You’re allowed to be mediocre, especially in places you don’t care about. Then, in places you do care about — like with your kids — that’s where you put your time and energy.”